Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
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Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
rebranding
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there