Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.

“Come on in for a Gouda time!”

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma