Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
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COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places