Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
sign of the times 🖊
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
