Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
We need more people like this.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
brian had himself a morning…
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
We need to put an American base on the sun
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.