Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
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Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks