Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
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My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.