Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

🤣🤣💀

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.