Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
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[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Worth a try
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie