Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
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My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.