Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
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trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back