Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.