Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
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(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Is this a threat?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30: