Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
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It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
going to the ER y’all need anything
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.