Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”