Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him