Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
he looks great for his age
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
