Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Worst Native American name ever.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
