Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
