Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger