Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

Breaking news:

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys