Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

How to draw a duck

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

I bet

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping