Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”