Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
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6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Why soy sad?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
#SCOTUS one-star review
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I’m not wrong
