Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
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Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
This is my bus stop.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
no regrets
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.