Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aaaa…CHOO!

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

Not with that attitude

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.