Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.