Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
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OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Not recommended for beginners.
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Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.