Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
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my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good