Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
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Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL