Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
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[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I’ve had relationships like this
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here