Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

Look at this

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT