Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

extrovert: *answers unknown number*

introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*

oh u like geography? name every lake

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.