Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
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I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.