Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
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Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
Real House Wines.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My birth announcement for our third baby
