Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero