Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
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[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…