Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
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*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
scrabbled eggs
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die