Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”