Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

Here’s a meme

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Bringing back this classic

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.