Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

🙂🐾

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.