Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
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I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night