Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
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Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Generation gap…
Sex so good you see dead people.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
road rage
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine