Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from