Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
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I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
my mind
You just read my mind
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!