Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
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Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
When someone says you are so lazy
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .