Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.