Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

🏠

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.