Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

Love thy neighbor’s dog

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.