Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

Wake me when AI does housework

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?