Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.