Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

May never get over this

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

peeping toms

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.