Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I love wikipedia

S M O L

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left