Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

😭😭

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet