Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

TRAIN’S HERE

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am