Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first one, obviously

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

British people

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

Solving a traffic jam

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.