Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

Ghost costume 😂

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Oops I deleted….

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

“Guy walks into a bar”

*and is eliminated from the limbo contest

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.