went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
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I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro