went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
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Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.