went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
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Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”