Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

I ain’t wearing no wire

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]