Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”

*if vodka could talk

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

*pronounces patio like ratio