went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
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The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
North and South
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.