Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

asking santa clause for nudes

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not