Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
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*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
this is the kind of friend i am
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
look at me when i’m typing to you
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.