Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

accurate

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute