Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
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So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Breaking news:
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
don’t we all
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.