Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
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How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.