Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?