Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

*looks at you in batman voice*

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.