Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

🤣🤣🤣