Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.