Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
[montage of me giving-up]
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
