Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Ha.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
