Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
