Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
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Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.