Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her: