Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

That stupid look on my face, is my face

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.